Not strong enough

Envy is a tricky emotion.. very tricky actually... I have NEVER felt envy before....until now i have to say, i feel kind of ashamed because i let myself be consumed by it.. it feels so weird to ADMIT it....but in a way i still feel betrayed because theres nothing in the world that hurts more that to lose the person that is more important to you... and then comes the confusion and fear.. i admit it.. i have fear... fear of facing the truth .. and in the end of my mind i think: now your fucked...maybe im not strong enough....

El Duelo

I have mommyfied my heart and it turned into stone, i thought so once that nothing will break it.....I was wrong..so wrong..At first everything was fine some small bruses but it was fine...But then, punches,satabs...there were just so many...It cracked,fell,and shattered to peices at my feet...The only reaction i had was to kneel and try to cry...but no tears fell,instead,a feeling of emptyness in mychest and my body felt heavy as if it filled up with water...Then i realized that i was drowning in myself, my misery,my sorrow and worst of all...my madness..

Save You

The only thing that crosses through my mind right now is: FUCK...
Why? Well because he is such an idiot! Seriously i think of what i said in the past blogs and i laugh about it because its sooooo ridiculous!!!! Its like unreal because there no reason for me or him or ANYBODY to be suffering and in the end we still suffer(yes i know i too see the irony in the sentence).Like i said hes and idiot, he has absolutely no sens of self appreciation, he think life is useful, he thinks that he has no sense in the world and you want to know what is the WORST part? that he HAS THE FUCKING BALLS to tell ME that hes actually happy(i mean WTF dude?).You don't know what is like to see a wonderful person that has a million qualities that are just priceless crying from the inside and look into his red eyes completely ripped apart desperate for help, so full of sadness and fear.To see him fake a smile day after day and see the sorrow in his soul full of daemons.Its like that ray of sunshine that just escaped from he eyes that made my day and helped me move on would've just been sucked away and thrown to the trash.Then there's me,all ripped apart for and idiot cough in the hole of sorrow and in a way i feel i have to protect him because Ive been through so much and i feel that i say that i hate people like that, always glum and no caring about themselves, torturing themselves when its not their fault.I think that the WHY it hurts me so much to see him like this is because in the end all that I'm seeing is a poor reflection of myself, depressed,pessimistic,mad,sad, with no self appreciation or respect.There just so many things that i feel that he needs to know....But he has to discover them himself. So i say in my mind every time i see him that i wish i could take it all away,sometimes i just wish i could save you but you don't let me, i wish i could make him understand. By now you may think that I'm in love with this idiot, but surprisingly I'm not...Its so mush more than that and i just want him to be happy with someone that really deserves him..It doesn't have to be me,in fact, its not me at all.... I don't know if you understand,but i just want to see that ray of sunshine looking into my eyes and making my day once more...

Get Real!

OK OK i have to get real... WTF was I thinking!! Sometimes i just wanna hit myself with a baseball bat until i stop acting so foolish. If the love is impossible then IT SHALL STAY IMPOSSIBLE .I've been thinking about all day long and actually i just think he's confused because his hasn't got the chance to see his "girlfriend" (not official yet; just dating).In the bottom of it all he never really admitted the feelings he has for me (sober anyway) the other blog was actually an act of impulse(sorry about that). Even though it is true its sort of not...accepted?... It's like we both want it because when we look at each other WOOOW it's as if a million emotions traveled through each other minds and hearts in that fraction of a second.Now when i ask him to tell me how he feels about me and get this shit right he just says: Your cool...your very important to me...And Im like...-.-' THATS IT????!!!!!SERIOUSLY???!!! why don't you tell me that you love me and we can both get over it and admit that yeah we might have our stable relationships but theres still that flame of the "what if?" that flame of passion and desire....BUT NOOOO you had to ruin it by not expressing your feelings.Let me tell you something people, that guy if he keeps holding it in, that shit is going to EXPLODE...In the end he still makes me fly to the heavens and thinking about butterflies when i have a math test tomorrow.....Thats when the little voice pulls me back to the ground and says: GET REAL ALE!

The wrong guy

OK so there's this guy... that i so fucking love and that drives me crazy, and makes my heart beat a thousand times faster than usual. But in the end i don't know what to do because our love is totally impossible... we study in the same school but in different grades; he is 3 years older that me and on top of that he has a girlfriend, i have a boyfriend too. Also we both have the same problem(that's what brought us together in the first place) we are... how do i say it....not sexually satisfied? For us that is a BIG deal because how can you have a healthy relationship without total sexual satisfaction? (sex doesn't have to be included)Its just NOT normal, not one way nor the other, there has to be a balance and when there's no balance;THIS happens:Two teenagers looking for sexual satisfaction with no feelings attached...even though there really good friends. So you can call this a DEEP frienship.

Anyway today we decided that we were kinda desperate and that scince we were really good friends...and there was so much trust.. no body was going to find out..we decided to well kiss and touch each other blah blah blah and all that crap. but seriously Im scared to death because i don't things to get weird between us or worse actually start to like LIKE each other(TOTAL CATASTROPHE!).Apart from the OBVIOUS attraction i might actually fall in love with this guy...FUCK
well I´ll keep you updated on what happens
wish me luck!
love,
Ale

o

bichas